Amazon really wants you to buy a five-pound gummy bear

The hashtag #NationalJunkFoodDay is trending on Twitter. Wait – what?

Like many corporations, Amazon jumped on the hashtag bandwagon. But, to me, their celebration tweet reads more like commentary on the uncanny nature of the mega-seller's massive portfolio (of madness?) than a lure to buy more products:

It raises so many questions.

Who was the giant blue gummy bear made for in the first place? Why is that smile so much more creepy on a five-pound gummy bear than a regular-sized one? Is there anything Amazon doesn't have in a warehouse somewhere?

Follow the link to Amazon's website and you'll find a bullet-pointed list of reasons why Amazon thinks you should buy this beatific, gelatinous product. It's apparently 1,000 times the size of a regular gummy bear, which is apparently equivalent to "a whopping 51 servings of mouthwatering sweetness." And don't worry socially-conscious health nuts: this sugar-bunker-buster is made in America and "gluten free." So you should have nothing to worry about if you eat the whole thing. (We recommend a knife and fork. And maybe an inability to feel shame.)

If giant, impassive blue gummy bears somehow aren't your thing, Amazon has another idea for how you should spend your (fake) junk food holiday:

Still not enough? Amazon tweeted another, less sugary, still worrying suggestion that's sparked some debate in this office:

I think pizza cones make about as much sense as soup sandwiches or salad milkshakes, but some people think it's a great idea.

All things considered, if you must celebrate Twitter holidays, I'd recommend enjoying this one in moderation. (And maybe staying away from any of Amazon's bright ideas.)

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